The Messy Middle: Healing Isn’t Always Beautiful

There’s this idea that healing is peaceful. That once you decide to “move on,” you light a candle, journal your feelings, and suddenly become a new, enlightened version of yourself.

But real healing? It’s chaos. It’s loud, ugly, and uncomfortable. And sometimes… it brings out the worst in you.

When your heart has been shattered, when your trust has been broken, and when your sense of self has been shaken to the core—you don’t always respond with grace. You react with anger. You spiral. You say things you don’t mean. You make choices that numb the pain for a moment but leave you hurting even more in the long run.

I’ve been there.

I’ve said things I regret. I’ve let hurt turn into bitterness. I’ve made decisions that didn’t reflect the woman I want to be—but reflected the pain I didn’t know how to process. I’ve surrounded myself with distractions and leaned into temporary fixes instead of lasting healing. And then I wondered why I still felt so broken.

The Truth About Healing

Healing brings up the parts of us we’ve tried to ignore. The versions of ourselves we’ve hidden away or buried under performance, perfection, or people-pleasing. But the truth is, you cannot fully heal without facing those messy parts.

Self-reflection is painful. It forces you to see how your own choices, your own patterns, and your own wounds have played a role in your suffering.

I had to face the reality that I ignored red flags. That I saw the cracks and tried to build anyway. That I said yes to situations I knew deep down would hurt me, because some part of me believed I could handle it—or worse, that I deserved it.

That’s not easy to admit.

But the moment I stopped pointing the finger at everyone who hurt me and started reflecting on the part I played, something shifted. Not in a way that excused their actions—but in a way that empowered me to change mine.

You Can’t Heal Without the Work

You can’t journal your way through pain if you’re not willing to own it. You can’t light sage around your suffering and expect it to go away. You can’t distract, numb, or avoid the work and expect to rise into your best self.

You have to go through it.

You have to sit with your feelings. You have to get honest about your patterns . You have to look at yourself and say: This version of me? The angry, messy, reactive one? She’s not who I want to stay.

Then comes the work. The uncomfortable, gritty, day-by-day rebuilding.

Give Yourself Grace—But Hold Yourself Accountable

Grace and accountability can coexist. You can say, I’m not proud of how I showed up, and also say, But I understand why I did.

You can love yourself through your healing, even when it’s messy. You can forgive yourself for the things you did while hurting. But you must also commit to becoming better.

Not perfect. Not polished. But authentic.

Because that’s where the true healing lives. Not in pretending the pain didn’t happen—but in letting it transform you into the version of yourself that doesn’t have to carry it anymore.

That’s the version I’m fighting for. And if you’re in the middle of the mess right now—I see you. Keep going. You are not broken. You’re becoming. ❤️

-Heartfully Nicole