The Fight Response — When Your Emotions Turn Into Armor

(Part 1 of the Fight, Flight & Fawn Series)

Understanding Fight, Flight & Fawn: How Our Bodies Respond to Emotional Stress

This series is meant to help you understand the different ways we react when we don’t feel emotionally safe — known as the fight, flight, and fawn responses.

Each post breaks down one response to explain:

• Why it happens — what’s going on in your body and nervous system.

• How it affects you — emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

• What you can do — practical ways to recognize and manage your reactions with awareness and compassion.

These responses are not flaws — they’re survival instincts. And when you learn to understand and regulate them, you begin to create emotional safety from within.

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When Protection Becomes Your Default

For some of us, when we feel unseen, dismissed, or misunderstood, we don’t shut down — we push back.

We speak louder.

We fight harder.

Not because we want conflict, but because we’re trying to protect ourselves from pain.

The fight response is one of the body’s oldest survival instincts. According to trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, when we feel threatened — emotionally or physically — our brain floods the body with adrenaline, preparing us to defend. The heart rate rises, muscles tense, and we instinctively move toward the “danger” instead of away from it.

It’s not about wanting to hurt someone — it’s about wanting to be heard.

How the Fight Response Affected Me

I equated “fighting” with strength.

I spoke up quickly when I felt dismissed or disrespected — not to argue, but because silence once felt like weakness.

What I didn’t realize was that my defensiveness wasn’t always about the current moment. It was about the past versions of me who weren’t heard when they tried to speak up.

There are times I react too quickly, pushing people away when what I really want is closeness.

That’s the irony of the fight response — we raise our guard to protect our hearts, but sometimes that armor keeps love out, too.

How to Soften Without Losing Your Strength

Healing the fight response isn’t about staying quiet — it’s about learning to pause before you protect.

1. Notice what triggers your defensiveness. When you feel that rise of frustration, pause and breathe.

2. Ask yourself what you’re protecting. Is it your boundaries, your dignity, your heart?

3. Express, don’t explode. Communicate your truth calmly — your power doesn’t need volume.

4. Release tension physically. Move your body, stretch, or take a walk. Let the adrenaline settle before you speak.

You can be assertive without being reactive. You can be strong and still soft.

If You Forget the Steps

If you snap, overreact, or say something you regret, don’t spiral into shame.

You’re human — and your body is doing what it learned to do to stay safe.

When I fall back into old patterns (which I do often), I remind myself:

“I’m not angry — I’m protecting something tender inside me.”

Then I pause, take a breath, and try again. That’s growth — not perfection.

The Heartfully Nicole Reflection

The fight response teaches me that anger often hides sadness.

When I start listening beneath the surface, I realize that what I call “anger” was really pain asking to be understood.

Learning to calm that instinct doesn't make me weaker — it makes me more connected.

Because peace isn’t the absence of conflict — it’s the presence of safety.